J and I have been together for more than 8 months now, and for the most part, everything has been great. We have a lot in common, make each other laugh, and have fun being together. I’ve always felt some anxiety over our relationship–we don’t talk everyday, which is fine, but sometimes I fear that things will suddenly change between us, and he will not feel what he felt before. It’s not a trust issue–I don’t worry about him cheating on me; it’s more that I know he doesn’t exactly fit me into his head the way I fit him into mine. I think about J a lot. I look forward to the times that I see him, and I love to hear from him.
I’m a big “future” person–I’m always thinking about how to set myself up for the next steps in my life. Maybe it’s because it helps me control my anxiety, or perhaps it’s just normal, but I have a hard time living just here right now. I have goals and I get bored easily, so I think ahead to keep myself stimulated. J, not so much. He does, and according to him, always has, lived just for the present. I respect this about him, but I cannot seem to take it on for myself, and I feel like it’s starting to impede our relationship. I’m not thinking marriage, kids, real job right now, but I guess I don’t want to rule those things out for the future, and I want to be proactive about them. But J hasn’t decided on any of this for himself, and therefore has not thought of them with me. He is, however, very invested in his job and seems to have a promising career ahead of him, so long as he one day decides to do something about it. In short, I’m at a loss to know where I fit into his life. I told him this, and he just said that he loves me and cares about me and our relationship, but doesn’t know that he has much more to give me. He doesn’t want to have to work to0 hard at relationships in general, and so when things get hard, I usually suffer while he just shuts down. I can’t see how this will help us sustain what we have, but I also wonder if I’m over-thinking it. J does, after all, make me happy, so why can’t I just leave it at that and not worry about it? I’ve just signed my lease for another year, I have a good job, and the thought of marriage and children is revolting to me at this time, so why do I still feel uneasy about the the state of me and J?
I guess if I’m honest, I’d have to admit that J still seems immature in a lot of ways. He’s got a fierce work ethic, but he drinks a lot, doesn’t save money, and complains about select things without seeing that there might be a solution. He also gets frustrated easily when I talk to him about something that I don’t like in our relationship. I’m not judging him for these things, but I’m not sure if they are deal breakers, or if I’m expecting too much of him. I can only say this because I’ve never observed a perfect relationship–every single one has flaws. Immaturity can change. I guess it’s just a matter of me deciding if I’m willing to wait and see if it does.
I think I also have to remove myself from him a little bit and see what happens. Maybe I only want progression in our relationship because I’ve invested so much of myself into him that I feel like I need more and more to get the same “high” so to speak, or maybe just to feel like I’m getting somewhere and accomplishing something, which is bullshit, because J should not be my “task.” I guess I just love being close with another person, and it will be hard for me to take myself out of it, but I have to if J isn’t where I am, because it will simply hurt too much if I’m constantly trying to make him feel something he doesn’t.
I’m ruthless–the minute I realize that I’m truly unhappy in a situation, I get out of it. I’m not just here because I feel stuck and don’t want to hurt J or be uncomfortable–I’m here because I love him and I want to be with him, even if it means I do have to let him go. At least I’ll know that he truly wants me if things do keep going. But like everything, it’s so easy to think and write these things, and much harder to know how to actually make them happen.
