I meet people in strange ways, and the most recent of strange connections is A, my boyfriend J’s ex-girlfriend, and now, my good friend. He told me on our first or second date that A and I would get along very well because we both wore Chuck Taylor’s, expensive jeans, and big hoop earrings. We met at a Ratatat concert, a group both A and J liked, but now I was with him, and she was with her boyfriend, whom she met because he was on J’s softball team. Sure enough, I had a replica of her outfit sitting in my closet at home. I wasn’t really sure about her at first, and it was unnerving that she and J were still so close. I was a little jealous of their familiarity with one another, and I had a hard time accepting that at these early stages of the relationship, she knew him so much better than I did, and worse, that she was probably watching me closely to see how J and I were together.
But A was going away to school soon, either to New York or San Francisco; either way, she’d be out of my life and I wouldn’t have to think about her. Until she showed up at the bar one night. J and I were talking to different groups of people and I instantly started chain-smoking. Why did she have to come here, and how was I going to handle this? She was chatting with J, and just as I was about to go over and attempt to claim him back, she approached me to talk about running of all things. As we puffed on our cigarettes, she reassured me that she was really happy for J because he was so happy with me, and that she’d enjoyed meeting me. I relaxed a little, and we ended up talking until last call.
But it was still hard knowing that she existed. They were together for 5 years, and she had a profound effect on J, especially after they broke up. I wanted to hate her, but I also wanted to know more about their relationship because he was becoming so important to me, and I wanted to understand what happened. He kept alluding to things, telling me I had to communicate with him, and that he didn’t want us to end up fighting over little things, and that he had no idea who he was until after they broke up, etc. I was confused, but I understood what it was to not want to talk too deeply about exes, so I didn’t ask. Instead, I tried to get some truth out of Facebook photos, but that only caused some serious wrenching in my gut.
J and K, A’s boyfriend, still played on the same softball team, and I knew I’d see her at the games. J kept insisting that it was so cool that I wasn’t a jealous girlfriend, so I hid my insecurities and put on a brave face. As the boys played, we chatted about school (she was going to San Fran), work, and other general subjects. It wasn’t so bad. Then we started bring beer to the games, and things got much more interesting. The conversations turned from the weather to being in love, fighting, family, in-laws, birth control rights, and pets. Something was wrong here: the girl who I should be wary of was becoming my friend. The initial discomfort of knowing that she knew J so well is now an asset to our friendship, because I can tell her things I can’t tell anyone else. I know that she is totally over him, and we have a tacit understanding that talking about our relationships is okay. I think we are both so relieved to have found someone that we love that anything in the past doesn’t matter.
At first J was a little uneasy over our friendship, which I can understand. It’s probably weirder for him than it is for either of us, but I think when he saw that our conversations were about more than him, he got over it. I tried not to talk about A too much with him; I didn’t want to betray either of them, and the fact is that they still know each other better than I know either of them, so I’ve worked to maintain “my place,” so to speak.
A leaves for school next week, and I am sad. Driving home from the last softball game, I sat against the door of the car thinking how unfair it was that I was going to lose this new friend; there are few people in life who I bond with so easily, and who value my inappropriateness and honesty. I will miss the softball games, and random texts. I will miss her passionate views on politics, something I know little about. We will stay in touch. I’ve always wanted to visit California, and there is Facebook. Part of me pushed to spend so much time with her because I knew she was leaving, and I wanted to enjoy the moment. This of course only makes things worse. In any case, I’m happy for A and I know she will succeed and enjoy herself. Life is just funny.
